Freshmen year of high school. Pinnacle year. I’m at Delia’s with some friends trying on a
pair of jeans. I come out of the
dressing room to ask my friends how my butt looks when an Asian woman points at
my Uggs and exclaims, “What size are those?! They look like baby Uggs.” She
then proceeds to gesture to her entire family: husband, grandma, and daughter
to come and look at my shoes, the “baby Uggs.” HEY LADY, they’re size 3. Don’t
you feel stupid.
So I have little feet and get mistaken for a 12 year-old on the
regular. I maintain that 4’10.5” girl would look weird with size 9 feet. Yes, that’s 4 feet, 10 and half inches
short. Never forget that half inch--it’s
too precious. Why do you think I tried to incorporate my height into a punny URL
(which I did not think of on my own—I googled that crap.) So I’m almost 20 with
a height equivalent of a fifth grader. See photo for reference.
Something I’ve learned along the way is that people everywhere
think that because you are short, it is completely acceptable to say the most
obvious, yet rude things that pop into their heads. Now because I care about
you, yes you, I want to help you to avoid being that person. No one likes that
person. So let’s start with 5 phrases to avoid the next time you get coffee
with your favorite petite friend.
1.
“You’re so cute, I want to put you in my pocket.”
This is my personal favorite, especially when it’s coming
from the cashier at Trader Joe’s. You’re just trying to have a nice
conversation while the employee rings up your cookie butter but somehow it
always gets awkward. What does one say to that, “Yes, I would love to put my 20
year old self into your pocket.” This is one of the worst offenders because
it’s disguised as a compliment but deep down you know you’re being talked to
like someone’s 7-year-old niece.
2.
“How do you reach the steering wheel?”
I’m not sure, when they handed me my license, they forgot
to see if I could reach the steering wheel. No. I may have to push my seat so
close that if the airbag went off, my lungs would collapse instantly, but
that’s beside the point.
3.
“What’s life like down there?”
Well, when I think about, it’s pretty good. What does
this even mean? If I go with your assumption that the state of my life is
dependent on my height, I would soon realize that I’ve never been taller than I
am right now. Therefore, I don’t know what life is like up there? Is the grass
greener on the other side? I guess I’ll never know.
4.
“You’re so short, how old are you?”
This is the part when I want to look them straight in the
face and ask, “When was the last time you asked a tall person, how old they
were?” Exactly. You haven’t. Because being tall doesn’t mean you’re old and
being short doesn’t mean you’re young.
5.
“Try to slap my hand.”
No. I will not jump and try to slap your hand. I am a
lady. I have standards.
